I have a confession…I HATE wearing lingerie. Had a horrible experience when I was trying to be sexy for a man I was with. That incident scarred me like no other.
One night, I was in my apartment: I had just finished cooking dinner. My significant other (now my ex) was on his way over. I figured I would surprise him by greeting him at the door in a sexy black lace teddy. It was crotchless and cup-less (yes, my boobs were fully exposed). I had some black heels, and was excited to see the look on his face; I was hype! He rings the doorbell. I’m ready…trying to keep calm so I can be all in my sexiness. I walk to the door and open it, he sees me, and I am greeted with…are you ready for this…LAUGHTER.
I had to quickly compose myself as it was definitely not the response I expected. I asked the reason for the laughter and he said he wasn’t laughing at me; he was laughing with me. Huh? It was at that moment I vowed to never try to be sexy for a significant other again. I felt rejected, dejected, and it made me hate my looks even more. I guess that’s why we usually had the lights off when we were intimate…he didn’t want to see me in my fatness. I didn’t mind as I didn’t want to see myself either.
In speaking with other plus size beauties regarding being comfortable during sex, they usually preferred the lights off, or wearing a t-shirt during the act. I hated that for them…I hated that for me. I’m sure as you’re reading this, many of you are saying, “it wasn’t you it was him.” Well yes it was him…to an extent. It was me as well because I allowed my low self-esteem to take control of the situation, and at that moment I should have told him off and kicked him out. But I didn’t. Until I learned to love myself, nothing would change.
Fast forward a few years later…I’m loving myself and stuff, thicker than a snicker, doing my thing. Connected with a guy who LOVED how I looked. Ok that was cool and all, but I still wasn’t convinced. Well…the first time we…you know (wink wink), he grabbed me by my belly and pulled me to him for a kiss! And all I could do was give him this look (courtesy of one of my favorite artists Rihanna)…
After that it was on! It was one thing for him to enjoy my size, but for me to enjoy my size was the icing on the cake. Something so simple as grabbing my belly made me feel even sexier. And you know what? The lights were on and I wasn’t wearing a t-shirt! I became more comfortable with showing my naked body; however wearing lingerie again was going to be a challenge.
A few weeks ago I did a boudoir shoot to try and have a loving relationship with lingerie again. I purchased a cute maroon number; not as racy as the black one but cute nonetheless. I put it on, and felt sexy and uncomfortable at the same time. The devil was trying to get in my head. The photographer was great and I did my thing, but after the first few pictures, I was ready to take it off…LOL! I’m still trying to love lingerie, but at least now I would be willing to wear it again for someone else. Who that someone is remains to be seen.
Being one with your nakedness, especially in the presence of someone else, is not an easy task. One of the things I had to do was take a look at myself in the mirror naked, and think about how I can use all of this thickness to my advantage. For example, if you got a big butt, shake it for that special person; if you’re really talented, make it clap. Also, don’t think about it too much as you won’t fully enjoy the moment. Let him or her caress, kiss, and lick every nook and cranny, every roll, every piece of flesh on your body. And finally, let them know you love it. That is the time to moan, talk dirty, squirm…whatever your mind and body feels.
Well that’s enough of me being extremely transparent for the day…LOL. Now go get naked and love those curves!
-The Curvy Doc